ANGRY XMAS RANT

Up until about a week ago, the radio that plays in our office was set to a generic soft rock station.

From the minute we get here in the morning until the minute we lock the doors to leave, I have to listen to mellow "rock", and commercials for furniture stores... you don't have to know the name of the station to know their M.O.

They play the least controversial, least offensive music possible... Stuff that nobody really likes, but everyone seems to tolerate. And the play list never seems to change.

The same old boring songs get played at least twice a day, and what few decent songs they do have get played so often that you want to bang your head on your desk as soon as you hear the intro...I love Lionel Ritchie just as much as the next guy, but it doesn't mean I want to hear "All Night Long" 10 times a week.

And it' not jut the music that sucks, the people that work their suck as well!

There's the over friendly traffic/weather girl, and of course the prerequisite bland morning guy and all his corny jokes. They're all there.

It makes the days blend together in a "Groundhog Day" kind of way.

I find myself having this conversation every day:

Wait a second, are we supposed to call in to win a prize when they play "You're So Vain", or "Hotel California"?

Or maybe it's supposed to be during that crappy Rod Stewart song? No, not that one, the other crappy Rod Stewart song.

Shit, you're right that was Tuesday's song!?! Wait a second isn't today Tuesday?

Maybe it's a Phil Collins song then?

Oh well... Fuck it, I don't know either.

It's enough to make you want to walk into traffic with a blindfold on...

...Which is why it may come as a surprise when I say this: I miss those days of Rod Stewart, Phil Collins and Abba.

That's right... Things have gone from bad to worse. Our generic radio station has of course switched to 'round the clock Christmas music for the holidays! Now I see what real misery is all about.

Real misery is hearing 6 different versions of "Frosty the Snowman" played twice a day, everyday, for a week! I'm ready to put a pistol in my mouth, and the scary part is- this only the FIRST week... they've got like 3 and half more weeks of this to go!

Seriously, there is like a 10-15% chance that I end this Holiday season alone in a North Dakota cabin fixing up some explosive mail.

And just for the record, here is how I feel about Christmas music... No!

We've got more than enough already. It's all been done, over and over again. We don't need another version of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", or "Silent Night", or any other sappy Holiday song.

And I don't want any original Christmas songs either! The cover songs are bad, but the original stuff is even worse. I don't care if your name is Paul McCartney... If you're "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time," keep it to yourself.

The only original Holiday song that's acceptable is Adam Sandler's "The Chanukah Song"... but Key 103.1 won't play that, and do you know why? It's because they HATE Jews! That's right, their program director told me that. <-- (okay, that last part's not true, I just wanted to make sure you're still paying attention).

As far as Christmas music goes, If you're a musician and you're out on tour during the Holiday's, I guess it's acceptable to play an Xmas song at your concert. But then and only then!

I've always felt strongly about this... I don't know, maybe I'm a little more bitter about it this year because of my work situation. There is just something very taunting about hearing cheerful Holiday music while you're having terrible day after terrible day.

(But you know what, I do have to admit that the Charlie Brown Christmas theme music is kind of growing on me... of course they'll be playing it 3 times a day from now until the 25th so I'll probably end up hating poor Charlie Brown by the time all is said and done.)

Emergency Quarterback

It was 8 am when I got the call...

It was Moe Green and he was in a panic. He had set up a flag football game at Baker Park, but the guy who was supposed to play Quarterback had gotten a last minute hook-up for Redskins vs. Raiders tickets.

I was previously invited to play in the game but had declined... Of course Moe Green doesn't accept "no", and after two weeks of harassment I finally agreed that I would play in the game, but only as a last resort emergency replacement. And then only if I could be Quarterback.

Most of the guys in the group are pretty reliable, so I didn't think I'd get the call. To be honest, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to get the call or not. On the one hand, playing QB is fun. But on the other hand, what if I went out there and sucked? I'd never hear the end of it. My friends can be brutal.

So when I got to the park and saw all the guys awaiting my arrival, I was a little nervous... I mean, not "I'm about to give a speech in front of the whole class-" nervous, but still, there were some butterflies.

Early on my performance was so-so. I was good on all the short passes, but my accuracy disappeared on the deep throws. I was holding my own, but I could see some "why is this guy playing Quarterback?" faces starting to appear.

But then as the game went on and I got into a rhythm, I started hitting the deep throws as well.

Everything was clicking. I was reading the defense, making all the throws, I even called a trick play where I caught a TD pass! I doubt there has ever been a 325 pound Quarterback making the plays I made.

Then, just when I was thinking about sending out my resume to the Redskins, I got hit with a dose of reality... Right between the eyes.

There was one player who kept bitching the whole game about not getting the ball enough. I'd hit one of his teammates with a picture perfect touchdown pass, and as we were running up the field to celebrate he'd say "I was wide open on that play, why didn't you throw it to me?!"

When I did throw him the ball, he'd drop it. There was another play where I threw him a perfect pass but he had to slow down because his pants were falling down. The ball ended up sailing over his head. Everyone rolled their eyes in disgust. Instead of saying "Sorry guys," his response was to blame me: "I was so surprised that you actually threw me the ball that I wasn't ready to catch it."

I hadn't thrown an interception all game, yet he was bitching like Terrell Owens. Finally I decided to shut him up once and for all. "Go deep, the ball will be there," I said in the huddle, gritting my teeth.

As I dropped back to pass, the wannabe Terrell Owens ran down the field. He was being covered by Moe Green's "little" cousin Brad who stands about 6'4" and is the best player on his High School Football team.

I knew I shouldn't throw the pass, the receiver wasn't open, and it would be about a 45 yard throw (which is about 5-10 yards out of my range)... but I had given him that cocky little "the ball will be there" speech... Plus my ego was soaring and I had myself convinced that I was the second coming of Joe Montana.

So I let loose, putting every ounce of strength I had on the throw.

"Uggggghhhh," I felt every muscle near my shoulder stretch and burn. My hamstring twisted into a knot and I fell to one knee.

I looked up and saw my pass hang in the air, seemingly suspended by time. For just a brief moment I held out hope that it would reach it's destination... but then, of course, it began it's long inevitable fall back to earth.

It fell about 5 yards short of the target. Everyone scrambled to position themselves below the ball... Just as I feared, it fell right in the hands of the defender. The clock struck midnight, I had turned back into a pumpkin. Game Over.

Not to mention my arm felt like it might fall off!

In the end, I had played a good game. I only threw that one interception, and I was certainly not the only person who had to limp back to their car... And so what if I won't be able to pour myself a glass of milk all week without a sharp pain shooting through my arm. I had fun.

And the next time Moe Green needs an emergency Quarterback, I won't think twice about answering the phone. (I will however, think twice about trying to be Joe Montana.)

I Work in Hell- Part II

Actual conversation I just had with my boss, his name will appear as Bob:

[I walk into the door way of his office... He's messing with his copy machine but clearly sees me out of the corner of his eye but makes no attempt to either speak or look up at me]

ME: [nervous] Hey Bob, there is a phone call for you. A lady named Diane Thomas, on line 2...

[Bob does not move, speak or do anything to acknowledge my presence or my comment. So I continue to stand in his doorway. I feel like an idiot. I'm pretty sure he heard me, but I don't want to just walk away and assume he did because I might get yelled at for that... I wait approximately 15 seconds]

ME: [In a soft and polite voice... Still nervous] Excuse me... Bob?

Bob: [VERY angry voice] Yeah I heard you the first time!! [Gives me the evil eye for no apparent reason]

ME: Okay, sorry... I guess...

THE END

Keep in mind this man is in his late 40's, he's 5'9" maybe 160 lbs... I could EASILY beat him within an inch of his life before anybody could pull me off of him. I'm a peaceful person but I do have a temper.

I've replayed the sequence in my mind at least 20 times this afternoon. Sometimes when I replay it, I hit him with the thick candy dish that sits on the front of his desk. Sometimes I just go straight for the choke hold... It would feel so good.

This is like the 20th time he's done something like this to me. He's gone weeks without speaking to me before. When I work on Saturdays he finds an excuse to stop by and make sure I'm really here. He pretends that business not doing well, even though it is.

He calls me the "Hispanic Speaker." I take care of our "Mexican Policy Holders," most of whom aren't Mexican but Salvadoran; He wanted to have a "Taco Day."

He also has a knack for using words in the wrong context. He is very George W. Bush in that sense. The art of speaking is something he still hasn't mastered. He can't get through a day without either saying something stupid or offensive.

10 minutes ago he just called one of our ex-policy holders an idiot because the guy left our agency due to the constant Republican propoganda my boss puts up in and around the office... Bob had this to say, "Well that guy is an idiot for leaving for something like that, because this is a free country and I can express myself..."

It never occured to Bob that our ex-policy holder has a right to express his self by leaving... He went on to say that the guy must be "gay" because he's 51 years old and listed on his policy as being single.

The fact that I'm a reasonable man, and the threat of jail time is the only reason I haven't hit him with a Hulk Hogan head lock... Yet.

The Most Powerful Man on the East Coast

Before I came to work in the Insurance industry, I worked in Environmental Science... It's really a broad field and trying to explain what my job actually entailed could take more time than I care to spend on it... So I'll just do my best to summarize.

Basically my job was to supervise the removal of hazardous waste from buildings. Stuff like asbestos, lead paint, mold, etc. I would show up on the job, hang out, make sure the removals were done safely and legally. After the materials were removed I would DO an inspection and then collect air samples that I would later analyze... then I'd either say that the building was safe, or needed to be cleaned some more.

I did a lot of other things as well, but for the most part that was it... I worked in that field from the time I was 20 until just a few months ago. I loved the job, and to be honest, I have no idea why I ever quit... It may sound boring, but it wasn't.

I got to do and see so many things in my 5 years in the field. I have worked in the White House, The Old Executive Office Building, The Department of Justice, The Elephant House at The National Zoo, and all of the Senate and House Office Buildings.

During 9-11 I was called to work in the crash site at the Pentagon for 3 months... I'm also one of a small handful of people who have seen EVERY room in the Capital Building. I feel pretty lucky to have been all those places.

But the most amazing job I ever did was not at The White House, or a Senator's Office or anything like that. The most exciting thing I got to do at my old job involved the 3 or 4 hour period when I was arguably the most powerful man on the East Coast!

I don't know if I'm even allowed to tell this story or not, but seeing as only have about 20 readers, I feel that my secret will be safe.

To keep things somewhat anonymous, I'll be vague on the dates... Let's just say it was the Friday before a 3 day vacation that a lot of people travel on.

I had worked 20 hours the day before and I was supposed to have off... But sure enough, at around 9 AM my Nextel was hit with an Alert... The beeping wouldn't stop until I got out of bed to respond.

It was my supervisor... He had just gotten a call from Union Station, Washington's famous train station. It seems they were having an "Environmental Emergency."

I was not happy about being woken from my sleep and I made that clear... "If you want, I'll call them back and tell them we can't help... I just thought since you live like 5 minutes away that you might be able to get over there," my supervisor sarcastically replied.

His message was pretty clear, this was not an optional thing. He gave me a phone number to call and explained that it was the direct line into the "Station Master's" office.

The Station Master is the guy who runs the whole show. The guy in charge of basically everything at Union Station, and I had the number to the phone on his desk.

"This might be interesting," I thought to myself.

"Don't give anyone the number," my supervisor explained.

"No shit," I thought to myself as I hung up with him and dialed the number.

Sure enough, the Station Master answered. I explained who I was, and he sounded very glad to hear my voice.

"How soon can you get here?"

"15 to 20 minutes..."

"When you get here, go to Gate A and call this number... We can't afford a panic so dress like you're traveling and don't talk to anyone... Can you wear a hat?"

This was getting more bizarre by the minute. I paused for a moment and thought about the possibility that I might be the victim of an elaborate hoax set up by my co-workers.

"... ah yeah, I'll be wearing a green and white Boston Celtics hat," I managed to respond.

"Okay, see you soon," the voice on the other end of the line replied.

I dressed as quickly as I could and threw my equipment into a large travel bag. I had to leave my microscope at home because the case was too big not to be noticed.

The thing you have to understand about this job I had, is that I was accustomed to being somewhat secretive about my work... When hazardous materials are removed from a building it happens at night and only the people who need to know are aware of what's going on.

Things are done safely and legally, but as quiet as possible because people tend to panic when they hear words like "Asbestos."

But even for me, this case was a little extreme. "I'll meet you by Gate A"... "Dress like a traveler"... "Wear a hat"... It all sounded like something out of Tom Clancy novel.

I pulled into the parking deck and found a spot on the top floor. I grabbed my bag and hoped on an escalator. As I rode down through the levels of the parking deck it felt like I was in a movie. Between the lack of sleep and clandestine meeting, it all felt pretty surreal.

Who would play me if this were a movie? Chris Farley's dead. Horatio Sanz is a no talent. Tom Arnold is too old... Fuck it, I'd have to play myself.

I was pretty familiar with Union Station. I had spent the previous month on a job at the Dirksen Senate Office Building... since the parking is so limited there, I would park at Union Station and just walk the 3 or 4 blocks to the job.

On days when we had finished up early I'd find a seat in the lobby of Union Station and watch the thousands of people flood in and out of our Nation's Capital.

Tourists, pan handlers, business men, hookers, thieves... It was all here, and I loved to soak it all in... Unnoticed, a fly on the wall... I had spent a lot of time in Union Station.

I had no trouble finding Gate A. I pulled out my phone and called that secret number. "I'm here. I'm right next to Sabarro's, leaning up against a wall right by the Gate..."

"I'll be there in 5 minutes."

As I stood there waiting, I wondered what the "emergency" could be.

I had half expected to walk into a lobby full of screaming tourists running away from a pile of crumbled Asbestos ceiling plaster.

But there was no mess, nobody in white suits and respirators, nothing that jumped out at me.

"Are you Joel?"

I turned around and was met by the "Station Master." He was wearing khaki's and a polo shirt.

He was just a guy, nothing about him screamed out "I'm important," but he was. I could tell by the stress on his face that he probably wished he wasn't.

He led me through the Gate and towards a group of trains that were loading passengers.

As we walked I spoke up, "What exactly is-"

But before I could get the words out he replied, "I'll tell you in a minute once we get further away from all these people."

He led me past the crowd of people boarding the trains and down a concrete walkway.

"Over there," he said pointed down the path and into the distance. There was a brown building about 100 yards away, right in the middle of everything. The path was about as wide as a one lane country road and it had about a half dozen train tracks on each side.

We started down the walkway. I wondered what would happen if I fell. Which rail is it that's electrofied?

Finally we arrived at the building.

"Okay," the Station Master began, "Here is the situation... This is the control tower," he was reaching for the door handle... he paused before opening the door.

"This is where everything happens. The guys that work here are like Air Traffic Controllers, only with trains..."

At some point, long ago, there had been asbestos in the building. But it was long gone.

Earlier today a small piece of the ceiling fell onto the floor.

For whatever reason the Control guys were positive that it was asbestos, and they were threatening to walk out.

If that happened, then basically all the trains on the East Coast would be shut down... They were allegedly leaning towards the walk out.

"So you can see why this is an emergency?" the station master asked as we stepped into the building.

I was about to learn that the Control Tower guys were Union member. They had a deep hatred and mistrust for AMTRAC- ecspecially for management.

As soon as we stepped into the room, there was high tension. It felt like I had been brought into the middle of some bitter battle between estranged spouses.

Within minutes the name calling began and acusations were flying around the room.

As the Station Master and the Control Guys argued, I just sat there and took in the sight.

There were flashing lights everywhere and an elaborate electronic map on the wall.

Every 10 or 15 seconds one of the guys would have to leave the argument momentarily to give directions to what I assumed to be the guys operating the trains.

I couldn't tell if they were controlling trains at Union Station, or Trains all over. There seemed to be too many lights flashing and people talking for it to be just a few trains here in DC, but I'm no expert.

What I was an expert on is hazardous materials, so as the argument went on I took it opun myslef to inspect the "dangerous" material that was still lying on the floor.

Without a laboratory analysis I couldn't be 100% sure, but I was as close to positive as I could be that this was just ordinary ceiling plaster.

I tried to explain this to the angry group, but they weren't buying it. I was immediately peppered with questions and looks of disbelief. I was just the Station Master's "puppet" and "not to be trusted."

"You're not the one at risk!" one of the men shouted at me.

That was all I could take, and I exploded. "Look genius... I'm holding the 'asbestos' in my hand. Do you think I'd be doing that if it was dangerous!?!"

The room went quiet. I had made my point.

In the end we decided that I would just collect some air samples, which took about 2 hours.

The Control guys even had the nerve to complain about the noise that my air pumps made while the samples were collected... (A humming sounds that tends to fade to the background after about 5 minutes.)

After I had collected the samples it was time to head back to my house and analyze them.

As I walked through Union Station and back to the parking deck I watched all the hurried travelers. They all passed me by without notice.

None of them realized that I held their travel plans in the palm of my hand... The fat guy with his hat turned backwards, baggy jeans and Timberland boots had the power to shut down the entire East Coast train system, indefinitely... which would in turn effect the entire travel schedule at the airports and on the roads.

I could make CNN headlines with one phone call.

I had never, and probably will never again wield so much power in my life. Even if it was for only a few hours.

Of course I still had to pay the $12 to get out of the parking garage... so that brought me back to reality a little bit.

But it didn't stop me from yelling "I could shut this whole place down!" out my window at the guy sweeping the sidewalk in front of the garage. I was sloppy drunk with power.

I took my time driving home, savoring the fact that people were nervously awaiting my phone call.

Once home it took me only a half hour to analyze the samples... I filled out the paper work, picked up the phone and I dialed the direct line to the Station Master.

I imagine him nervously pacing in his office and then lunging for the phone on the first ring. And of course it's always a red phone in my head... red with a flashing light.

When he answered the phone I acted like I was still reading the last sample... "Yeah, I'm reading the last sample right now [pause] and... [longer more dramatic pause] yeah, it looks like everything is clean. Where do you want me to fax the results?"

And that was it... That was the end of my rein as the most powerful man on the East Coast. It was a good run, but all things must come to an end.

The Wizards take on Hollywood

The Washington Wizards started their season Wednesday night, and just in time too, because frankly... I need them!

The Nationals had a great inaugural season, but sadly, baseball has gone into hibernation.

The Redskins are 4-3, but they're coming off the most embarrassing regular season loss ever suffered by a Skins team in my life.

The U. of Maryland football team can be described as mediocre at best, for the second straight year... and Terps basketball doesn't really get exciting until we get into the Conference schedule, which starts in January.

So I need this... I need the Wizards, I need to watch a decent sports team to get me through the next few months.

I hate my job, I'm broke, I officially regret moving back to my hometown of Frederick, MD (a.k.a. my personal hell)... So like I was saying, I need the Wizards to have a good season, and I need to write a season preview to help me get out of this funk.

Does that sound pathetic? Sure...

Do you guys want to read about a good but not great NBA basketball team? Probably not...

Will I subject you to reading it anyway? Of course...

Do I enjoy asking myself questions? Clearly...

Okay, so here we go, my preview for the 2005-06 Washington Wizards... Keeping with tradition, I will be using Movies as a theme to attempt to make Sports understandable for non-Sports people.

Last time I used The Godfather, but some people hadn't seen it (which still amazes me), so this time I'll use actors/actresses.

**************************************

LAST YEARS TEAM- MARK WAHLBERG:

To tell the story of this years Wizards team, you have to go into last years team... I would equate them to Mark Wahlberg... When you heard Marky Mark was going to try his luck as an actor, you weren't expecting much. You probably even chuckled... I mean come on, he was like 2 years removed from dancing around in his boxers, singing "Good Vibrations!" Plus he used to be a fringe member of the New Kids on the Block posse... and now he wanted to be taken seriously!?!? Sure, whatever you say Marky.

But guess what? Marky Mark has put together a nice career. Sure he's been in some bad movies (Four Brothers, Rockstar), but he's also starred in Boogie Nights, and is now a name actor who can choose what scripts he wants... Not to mention that he's the Executive Producer for the HBO hit "Entourage", which is based on his life.

The Wizards story is pretty much the same... Their 2003-04 record was 25-57, and they hadn't won a playoff game since the mid-eighties! They were Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch asking to be taken seriously... and of course nobody did. Then they started winning games... and somehow, they kept winning.

They finished 45-37, and then had the audacity to go out and WIN a playoff series! Not just a game, but a series! To me, that's the equivalent of the end Boogie Nights when Marky Mark whipped out his 12" little helper, looked into the mirror and said, "I'm star, I'm star, I'm a star!"

THE OFF-SEASON- KEVIN SPACEY:

Have you ever seen Kevin Spacey pick a bad role? Nope, never... Not every movie he's been in was a hit, but still, you'd be hard pressed to find a role that he should be embarrassed about. Just about every big name actor has a few of those roles they'd like you to forget, but Spacey just doesn't have them... and that's how I would describe the Wizards off-season. Flawless.

They almost got duped into paying too much money for an injury prone shooting guard (Larry Hughes) but they didn't. Despite pressure from the fans, Hughes' agent, and the euphoria of having legitimate success for the first time in a decade they were able to stay cool and level headed.

They went out and acquired 3 solid players (Caron Butler, Antonio Daniels, and Chucky Atkins) for half the price of keeping Hughes. This team might not be a big hit, but it won't embarrass the Wizards decision makers either.

So now that we're up to speed, here is this year's team:

THE STARTERS

GILBERT ARENAS- ED NORTON:
Ed Norton is the best actor that nobody talks about. He's been masterful in every leading role he's had... (With the exception of The Italian Job, a performance that he clearly mailed in but we're going to cut him some slack. Why? Because he had just been dumped by Selma Hayek and wouldn't you go into a funk after losing this?):

Yeah, I thought so... Well Gilbert Arenas is Ed Norton in the sense that he's a really, really, really good player who doesn't seem to get the Star publicity he deserves. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY can guard him one on one. League experts and other players recognize Gilbert as an elite player, but mainstream NBA audiences don't... yet.

ANTWAN JAMISON- SAMUEL L. JACKSON:

Samuel L. always puts in a quality performance. When you're naming big name actors, you never really think of him, but just check out this resume: Star Wars Episode II and III, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction, A Time to Kill, Jurassic Park, Patriot Games, Do the Right Thing, Jungle Fever, Menace II Society, and even Goodfellas! That's quite a run... He's been in so many great movies but you know what? He's just not a leading man. He's a great #2 or #3 actor, but when you let him carry a movie here's what you get: Shaft... that's right! A Box Office bomb with an IMDB Rating of 6.0, YUCK.

Now check out Antwan Jamison's career numbers:

19.2 points, and 7.3 rebounds per game... Pretty impressive right? But of course he's being played by Samuel L. Jackson, so there must be a connection, and here it is: Not a leading man... in the 4 years at Golden State when he was asked to be the Star player here was the teams record: 95 wins and 233 losses! That's the equivalent of the Gross Sales for Shaft.

But here's the good news... Much like Samuel L, Antwan thrives in the co-star role. In Dallas he came off the bench for a playoff team and took home the "6th Man of the Year Award" for the League's best bench player... and last year, working as Gilbert Arenas' side kick, he made his first All-Star team. He's working on a nice "supporting role" resume.

CARON BUTLER- ROBERT DOWNEY JR:
Caron Butler is the new guy with a checkered past, and this is his third team in four years... Downey Jr. had the heroin problem and had more chances to clean up than Dwight Gooden...

Caron had some legal problems when he was younger but looks to have turned the corner... Downey Jr. has been incident free for the last few years.

Caron's got all kinds of talent and has shown flashed of brilliance and the ability to be a team player... Downey Jr.'s brilliance was in Chaplin and then was a team player when he swallowed his pride and became a cast member on Alley McBeal during those few years when that show was mystifyingly popular.

Still, I wouldn't be surprised to wake up in the morning and find out that Caron got pulled over for driving 100 mph through a residential neighborhood with weed and a gun in the passenger seat... just like I wouldn't be surprised to wake up one morning and find out the Downey Jr. went on a week long coke/heroin binge that ended with him wandering into a neighbors house to pass out in their 10 year old daughter's bedroom... oh wait, that really happened.

ANTONIO DANIELS- JOHN LEGUIZAMO:
He's the most underrated player on the team, and John is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood... You need John to be funny? He can do that (Moulin Rouge... not that I ever watched that, um, no, never) You need John to be a serious actor? He can do that (Summer of Sam)... You need John to be a scary gangster? He can do that too (Benny Blanco from the Bronx in Carlito's Way)... Hell, he can even do successful one man show's on Broadway!

And that's Antonio Daniels in a nutshell. On any given night, Antonio figures out what the team needs from him, whether it scoring, passing, hard nosed defense, or a big offensive rebound, he can do it... And if Gilbert goes down for a week or so, Antonio can step in and lead the team until the real star gets back.

BRENDAN HAYWOOD- MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
At first it looked like he was going to be a big star (Dazed and Confused, A Time to Kill), then he kind of settled into a career of mediocre romantic comedies (EdTV, The Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in blah blah blah)... and that's Brendan' story as well. He showed all kinds of potential and talent in his rookie year but has been pretty much hit or miss ever since. He sleep walks through at least a dozen games per year... Don't get me wrong, he's a decent player, but let's just say he won't be carrying his team to any big victories.

THE BENCH

CHUCKY ATKINS- VING RHAMES:

Chucky is just a back up point guard who won't kill your team when he gets in the game. But the Ving Rhames comparison comes into play because Chucky got to play a small role when the Pistons won a Championship 2 years ago, and Ving got to play a small role in Pulp Fiction, a top 20 movie on just about every movie list... I know that's a stretch but let's see you try to come up with an actor who reminds you of Chucky Atkins!?!

JARVIS HAYES- TOM SIZEMORE:

If you're making a war movie, Tom's your man (Saving Private Ryan, Blackhawk Down, Pearl Harbor, he's always the same guy)... and if you've got an open 3 point shot, Jarvis is your guy... Neither of them are good at doing much else, but they are damn good at that one role.

ETAN THOMAS- BARRY PEPPER:
They're both favorites of mine, and they both could really shine in the right situation if given the chance... Barry was great in Saving Private Ryan, Green Mile, 61*, 25th Hour, and The Dale Earnhardt Story... okay scratch that last one, I'd like to pretend it never happened.

But trust me, he's going to be a star one day, even if I have to hold a gun to some casting director's head.

JARRED JEFFRIES- COLIN FARRELL :
They both suck and I don't know why either of them are still getting pay checks.





MICHAEL RUFFIN- GARY BUSEY:

They're both really goofy looking, bring a lot of energy to the table, and while it's nice to see them now and then, you don't want them to play a prominent role in your movie/game.


COACH EDDIE JORDAN- SPIKE LEE:
Spike directs a very distinct and unmistakable style of movie... You know when you're watching a Spike Lee Movie or Documentary... And it's the same with Eddie Jordan, his teams play a very distinct style: lots of passing, back door cuts, up tempo offense, not a lot of defense, fun to watch... But much as Spike has not yet hit that one great movie (he came close with 25th Hour, Malcolm X, and Do the Right Thing), nobody has ever won a championship with that kind of style. He came close when he was the assistant coach/man behind the curtain in New Jersey.... but the bottom line is- it remains to be seen how far you can go with Eddie's style, just as it remains to be seen if Spike can put it all together for that one true masterpiece despite his awkward style that can put some people off. (not me, but some people).

FINAL ANALYSIS

I think the Wiz will improve on what they started last season... of course they'll fall short when they play the Elite teams in the East: Indiana, Detroit, Miami, etc.

But it will be an entertaining season none the less. I see them putting together a 48-34 record and then getting eliminated in the second round of the playoffs.

They will give me heart burn approximately 15 times, I'll freak my wife out screaming at the referees at least 50 times, and we'll lose at least 4 games because Brendan Haywood has no heart... But the good news is Gilbert Arenas will finally get some credit for being the Star he is...

It will be like that movie Collateral with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx... It was a good movie, but it wasn't great... It was entertaining, but it had some plot holes... It won Jamie Foxx an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, but everyone remembers his Oscar for Ray a little more... And that's the way I see the Wizards season. They'll be a good, but not great team... but we'll remember it more as the season Gilbert Arenas won league MVP!

Will I regret that prediction in 6 months? You bet I will!